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The Covid-19 Inquiry - update

OK, we understand that Professor Carl Hangimout - a world-renowned expert in evidence-based medicine - is currently at the Covid-19 Inquiry, responding to questions about the efficacy of face coverings. Let’s drop in and see how it’s going … …


MR KITSCH: So, Professor Hangimout, let us be clear. You – a fringe pseudo academic; described as a ‘fuckwit’ by an esteemed colleague; and the university student who could only get a B-minus for a biological science essay in 1986 – want us to believe that masks are ineffective?

CARL HANGIMOUT: Systematic reviews of the empirical evidence consistently conclude that wearing a face mask in community settings achieves no appreciable reduction in viral …

LADY MALLETT: Can we hurry it along, Mr Kitsch; today’s revered expert has already been waiting 20 minutes.

MR KITSCH: Of course, my Lady.

                 Professor Hangimout, please keep your answers concise. Is it, or is it not, true that there are some research studies – cutting-edge modelling studies, published in respected scientific journals – that conclude that masks reduce Covid infections and save lives?

HANGIMOUT: Scientific studies vary as to their rigour and …

MR KITSCH: Yes or no?

HANGIMOUT: But it would be misleading to …

MR KITSCH: Please answer the question; Yes or no?

HANGIMOUT: Well, yes. But other, more robust studies, draw a different conclusion. Plus the harms associated with community masking have …

LADY MALLETT: Harms? What possible downside could there be? Anyway, we can wade through that later if … uh … when we read your lengthy witness statement.

MR KITSCH: That will be all, Hangimout. You’re dismissed.

                         My next witness is Professor Trish Greenkookie. Good morning, professor.


LADY MALLETT: Very, very sorry, Professor, to have kept you waiting for so long. We know your time is so very precious. Do forgive us.

MR KITSCH: Your patience is hugely appreciated, Professor.

                         As described so eloquently and succinctly in your witness statement, you are Professor of Primary Health Care at the University of Oxford – one of the most esteemed institutions in the world. You studied Medical Sciences at Cambridge – another world-famous university - and Clinical Medicine at Oxford before training first as a diabetologist and later as a general practitioner. As if that wasn’t enough, you have a doctorate in diabetes care and an MBA in Higher Education Management; so a true expert in every sense of the word. Is that correct, Professor?


MR KITSCH: That rare combination of in-depth academic expertise and practical experience on the frontline. Is that correct, Professor?

GREENKOOKIE: Yes, I guess.

MR KITSCH: And huge integrity too, as demonstrated by your involvement with Independent SAGE, a group of the most impartial and objective scientists in the world who were – quite rightly – demanding earlier, longer, and harsher restrictions.

LADY MALLETT: Quite right, Mr Kitsch. We are so privileged to have you with us today. Professor; an expert who in no way allows her personal values and political leanings to influence her cutting-edge guidance. 

MR KITSCH: And I see you are wearing a mask today, Professor.

GREENKOOKIE: Three masks actually; triple protection.

MR KITSCH: A very sensible measure, Professor. You cannot be too careful in a crowded indoor environment like this.

LADY MALLETT: Exemplary behaviour, indeed.

MR KITSCH: Before I ask you further questions, Professor, could I respectfully request three things to help our stenographers who are busily transcribing?

GREENKOOKIE: Yes, of course.

MR KITSCH: First, could you speak up?

GREENKOOKIE: No problem.

MR KITSCH: Second, could you speak more slowly?


MR KITSCH: And third, would you kindly remove the pantyhose from your head?  

Photo courtesy of Possessed Photography at Unsplash

This article was originally published on the Daily Sceptic

302 views4 comments


‘The Inquiry’ perpetuates and strengthens 2020’s scam to enable endless restrictions. So, it needs to be either ridiculed or completely ignored.

Article provides a lovely laugh. Many thanks. Excellent start to New Year weekend. Be nice to make 2024 the Year of Humour.

Create a smile on someone else’s face and, the ‘weather’ suddenly becomes sunny.

Promoting smiles counters the relentless ‘doom and gloom’ nudging/bullying.

The more strongly self-controlled, the less controlling and less controllable. Thus ‘controllers’ show themselves to be weak, same as all bullies, not powerful at all.

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Thank you


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Seems he forgot that opposition is mutual

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